


The Mind Gives What The Heart Wants

by Madpineapple



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Drinking, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sleep Deprivation, sexual hallucinations, wet-dream kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-14 23:33:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5763199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madpineapple/pseuds/Madpineapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy deals with Harry's death in his own way which includes drinking and an unwilling foray into his mind's twisted desires.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mind Gives What The Heart Wants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AflockOfBirds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AflockOfBirds/gifts).



> This is a fill for The Winter 2015-16 Hartwin Secret Santa and I am hoping that the person who requested it is pleased with this.

V-day had been a disaster, as far as Eggsy was concerned. Yes, the world was saved, but nothing would bring Harry Hart back. His promise to make everything right again would remain forever unfulfilled.  


No matter what the rest of the Kingsman said, that he was much like a phoenix, born out of Harry’s ashes, to take over his spot and carry on his legacy, Eggsy still felt inadequate and unhappy with the burden that had been laid out on his shoulders, and he doubted he was prepared for that.  


In spite of his dark thoughts about his valour as an agent, he was in a plane, finally going back home. It had been almost a week of working to the point of exhaustion, trying to stop a raise of the anarchists who, now that most of the governments had been annihilated, were trying to take over the world. It was a mad rush to keep the world in balance and everyone was working against the clock.  


Eggsy realised he should be grateful he did not have Merlin’s workload. The wizard was switching through at least five different feeds and that alone was enough to get Eggsy dizzy and ready to throw up. The fact that he had drunk quite a lot of that ridiculously pricy whiskey and with little food was quickly disregarded when the plane started descending towards the landing spot on the Kingsman HQ grounds and it was a relief to know he was finally home. Or at least closer to it.  


As soon as it touched down, Eggsy stood and walked to the door. He needed to be out of the bloody plane. He also needed a shower, and a bed, preferably in the same bloody order. Without anymore waiting he rushed to the door and down the stairs. He’ll be damned if he waited any longer since he was more or less sleeping on his feet.  


He was sleepily trying to get home, almost falling asleep during the move from the HQ to the shop and he was not much better when he arrived there. The crisp London air sobered him up a bit, but it was not much of an improvement. Thankfully the car was waiting for him and as soon as he was in, it started moving, taking him down through several long streets to Harry’s house.  


_Harry’s house… ___  


Eggsy didn’t want to think much on the fact that this place alone was enough to break him and spending the night here might very well drive him mad with all the mementos of the late man. Not to mention the creepy stuffed dog in the loo. That was probably too much for him to stomach in that moment.  


Without much contemplating, he unlocked the door and slid inside. His jacket landed on the backrest of a chair and Eggsy kept his eyes lowered as he loosened the knot of his tie and removed it after undoing it, discarding it on a nearest chair in the living as he focused on dragging himself to the decanter that lay on a side-table. He pulled the stopper and considered for a moment just having a few gulps right out of the expensive crystal. The remembrance of them in this room, Harry decked out in an apron, cooking breakfast and offering a commentary of what table manner and etiquette meant made him stop and let out a deep breath, before he poured a rather large amount of it in a glass and drank from it like a gentleman. That was until the alcohol burned his throat and without thinking, Eggsy knocked the entire glass back as if he was thirsty.  


He felt the room spin and blur at the edges but that would be a damn good thing. If only all this expensive whiskey would be able to wipe away the last week. The body count on his name was starting to rise even though he had never thought he would turn out to be a killer. There was absolutely no remorse towards Chester, the former Arthur. The man had betrayed his colleagues, people who trusted him to be the wise leader he was not. As for Valentine… He did what he could to avenge Harry. And he had been craving that man’s blood ever since he learnt of the hideous plan he was cooking up.  


Eggsy took the decanter and placed it on the table so he could pour another glass as he almost collapsed in the nearest chair. With unsteady hands, he poured another glass and sighed and he looked at it, realising that he…  


_He had killed men. ___  


Not a very entertaining idea now that he was cosy and almost too drunk to bloody care. That numbness he was seeking had slowly taken over his body, making him forget the man he had to shoot straight up, in the bloody head. In his head there was the man, coming at him with a knife, intending to do more than just slice him up in pieces. And with lack of any other resources to fall back on, Eggsy had to resort to the last thing on his person. The gun strapped to his side. It slid easy enough from its holster and his finger had not wavered on the trigger but that bang has been haunting even the very few hours of sleep he could get. Eggsy growled and without remorse threw the glass away, the fragile crystal shattering in a million shards as soon as it hit the wall.  


Grunting softly, like a wounded animal, he walked out of the room, past the closed study door. He was rather thankful for it. He couldn’t understand why Harry had it painted that colour. It reminded him of rust and how blood dried on the skin. It reminded him of hours spent in the tiny airplane bathroom scrubbing his fingers clean after a particularly messy confrontation with a terrorist in Beirut. It ended up into a grapple, trying to topple the other off. It did not help that the man was one of those who cover themselves in lacerating wounds for the sake of their beliefs.  


Finally, Eggsy walked into the bedroom and tried not to groan at how much everything was like Harry. The awful cardigan he had been wearing the day they fought (the day he left), was draped over the end if the bed as if ready to be picked up and worn. And the entire room smelled strongly of Harry, and Eggsy didn’t even want to imagine just how those sheets would smell, of subtle smoke and leather and spices still foreign to him. Eggsy drew a deep breath and let those scent blend, fill his senses. It came as an unsettling realisation, that this was all that was left of Harry, of the great man he was, the kindness and trust he had offered when he had brought Eggsy in, took him under his wing.  


It felt like a punch to the stomach and the fact that his breath left him as a sigh had nothing to do with Eggsy collapsing on the bed, holding tightly on the silky cashmere. Or with the fact that there were tears sliding down his cheeks, making his vision blurry.  


It had everything to do with thinking how much he missed Harry, how much he needed to have him back, to hear all those snarky remarks, the fondness in his voice, to bask into that smile always accompanied by dimples.  


Eggsy just shrugged and slipped under the covers, head settling easily on the pillow as he sobbed. The glasses had been left in the living room so there was no worry that someone might hear him breaking down, but Eggsy simply silenced his sobs into the pillows like he had done since he was a child. And soon enough fell asleep, wrapped up in Harry, Harry’s scent, Harry’s blankets and sheets, clutching hard on the last straws of sanity.  


But as soon as Eggsy started nodding off there is a loud sound outside something that sound like that blasted bang and everything starts spinning in his mind, everything twisting together until there is Harry standing in the room, dressed in all the finery of his Kingsman suit and looking fierce, ready to fight, his stance defensive and his eyes wild.  


Then he is finally looking at him and Eggsy feels naked under the intense scrutiny, the quiet analysis that must be going through that incredible mind. Eggsy looked down at his feet. “You threw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog?” And Eggsy feels like he can’t control himself, looking at Harry with a vicious growl. “You shot your dog just to get a fuckin’ job?” And all hell breaks loose when Harry’s arm crushed into his chest, pushing Eggsy into the nearest wall, his breaths deep and rushed; like that moment when all violence left his body and Harry just took in what he had done.  


And God, the look on his face was nothing of what Eggsy expected. It was not the resigned, desperate, sadness he expected. Instead his smiled turned wolfish and cheeky like the first time Eggsy threw a snarky reply at him. And Eggsy did not manage to say more as those lips claimed his into a kiss that was something completely otherworldly, his lips soft, but by no means yielding. Harry kissed in the same manner as he fought, fiercely and dedicated, never stepping back, always pushing to gain the upper hand, to catch the other on the wrong foot. And it was just so easy to subdue Eggsy in the same manner, a hand fisted in his hair as he pulled his head back to gain better access to his mouth.  


Eggsy couldn’t believe himself, going along with it without better judgement. His body was straining against the arm still keeping him pinned down. His eyes were closed, his mind gone for good once he could finally get a whiff of the cologne, feel the warmth that radiated off his body.  


Like the gentleman he is, Harry does not have him on the floor like one would do with a common whore. Before he can even realise it, he is placed gently on the bed and Harry is already working the buttons of his shirt open. Eggsy wants with all of his heart to help but his fingers feel stiff and frozen, or maybe they are too bloody numb from that kiss earlier.  


However, as soon as Eggsy’s chest is bared, Harry doesn’t seem to be able to stop himself, fingers exploring every single inch of it with something most people would call glee. Harry’s eyes are focused and his fingers do not waver once as they sweep along the long lines of his torso, skidding over deep grooves that define muscles and tickle just slightly whenever his touch lightens, when he gets distracted, his attention piqued by the ripple of his throat as Eggsy once again swallows a breath and his body trembles whenever Harry’s fingers elicit a frisson of pleasure.  


It’s purely a game of give and take, but Eggsy realised that he cannot take much longer of that kind of teasing. He would explode with want and need. So he reaches out, fingers encountering the sinfully soft fabric of Harry’s shirt and he nearly rips it off of him, impatient and needy to finally come together, to taste skin to feel it in all its glory.  


Harry looked a bit surprised at the sudden burst of violence of his lover but appeases him as the cufflinks come undone and the shirt fell on the floor in a lump. Eggsy couldn’t bring himself to be bothered with it as his eyes were drawn to the faint silvery lines of scars on Harry’s perfectly toned and firm upper body. His fingers trail over them, reverently, wishing he knew the story behind them, much like he did with the tabloids in Harry’s office. However, Harry had different plans as his mouth descended with a predatory hunger over Eggsy’s neck, licking over his skin. Harry seems to hesitate for a few moments, before laying a first bite on it, somewhere it would not be exposed, where collarbone met the curve of his shoulder and Eggsy couldn’t help the cry that left his mouth, coming from deep within his chest.  


Eggsy could feel the smirk against his skin as he let his fingers slide along Harry’s sides, hugging him tightly, and his eyes closed, indulging into the warmth that his body radiated. It was quite relaxing, making Eggsy sink deep into his mind, until a stray finger brushing past his nipples made him gasp breathlessly and arch. Harry continued his exploration of his body, touching him gently and studying the response as if filing it away for later use.  


His breathless sighs and groans escalated in a sweet crescendo when Harry’s hands, with the same efficient and deliberate touch removed the belt and undid his trousers, rubbing against the bulge in his trousers. Eggsy felt his skin flush and buried his face in the pillows, wanting to hide, to make sure that Harry did not see his embarrassment.  


Yet, Harry was Immersed in the sight of Eggsy, finally nude and ready, if he were to judge by the way his hard cock was hard and curving upwards, the tip of it bobbing gently just above his hard abdomen, a drop of slick fluid gathering at the tip. And Harry did not hesitate to collect it with his fingertip and press it to his lips, his tongue, moaning softly in that deep voice of his. It raised goose bumps all over Eggsy’s body and he couldn’t help the sigh of pleasure. But that was only the beginning as Harry’s hands, those large hands that had expressed nothing more than friendship, that had brought pain and had protect as well, slipped around him, one wrapped around his cock, tightly so, making Eggsy squeak undignified as a shiver of pleasure coursed through him; the other slid around his hip as if to keep him in place.  


It took only a few movements, a few slides of his hands to make Eggsy whimper. And then it’s like the flood gates have been opened, sighs and moans coming unbidden, unrestrained. Eggsy felt like he could no longer keep himself together, his body having a mind of his own. It was making him wonder if it was not Harry controlling him in some way.  


Harry had no intention to let him go and before Eggsy could do anything else but gasp softly, Harry had manhandled him onto his stomach, lifting his hips up as he stroked his hands over that exquisitely rounded bottom and sighed, as if he was finally able to touch to his heart’s desire and that pleased him immensely. Eggsy smiled as he buried his face in the sheets, the pillows and took another good breath of Harry, the same Harry who was probably contemplating fucking him.  


As if reading his mind, Harry leaned over to pull one of the drawers of his side table and rummaged through it before throwing a bottle on the bed, letting it roll along the sheets, coming to rest next to Eggsy’s side, before Harry picked it back up and opened it, slicking his fingers with a minimum of movements. If Eggsy were to judge by the haste, he would say that Harry was just as impatient as he was and that was a bloody good thing.  


The first touch to his hole made his body jolt as he tried to move away from the coldness of it even though Harry’s hand came to rest heavily at his lower back, holding him in place, along with a gentle apology whispered into the skin of his back. Eggsy relaxed at that, the words having soothed him slightly, but not enough to keep him still once the finger was back, circling and prodding in the gentlest of ways, until Eggsy felt his body respond, his muscles relax and give, letting Harry’s finger sink inside without any kind of resistence.  


Once the first finger slid in, Harry couldn’t stop the flood of praise slipping from his lips and Eggsy’s growled approval. Eggsy could hear the soft words, “Sweet boy” and “lovely one” and “dear God you’re so utterly perfect “, and they all made him want to give Harry more, so much more. He would give himself completely.  


Harry added a second finger seamlessly, after a few more thrusts while Eggsy was too lost in his head, delighting himself with the praise the man offered so freely and barely even noticed, until two fingers became three and Eggsy started to feel just the slightest burn of the stretch along with the pleasure that singed his skin and made him writhe under those talented fingers.  


It wasn’t much longer until he heard the rasp of a zip and the susurrus of the expensive fabric slipping away; he realised it was Harry’s he trousers sliding down and not a moment later he was finally pinned under Harry’s weight, making his body fall harder into the mattress and he gasped as the sheets rubbed against the tip of his cock, drawing out a loud moan. Harry smirked against his neck, lips sliding up the curve of it until it met his ear and he gently bit on his earlobe, before whispering softly, voice like velvet.” Are you ready for this, my dear boy?” And Eggsy nodded, a small sigh leaving his mouth as he pushed back against his hips wanting Harry to just do something already, the teasing of his cock against his ass almost too much to bear and thankfully Harry got the hint as he pressed into him without a moment’s hesitation.  


It seemed that the man had not been expecting Eggsy to go positively wild, sheets bunched up in his hands and body as tight as a string, head thrown back with delight as he finally got what he wanted. To have Harry, to be wrapped up in him, like one would be in a blanket. It was almost too good for his mind to grasp and the way Harry held onto him, a hand wrapped tightly around his waist, the other high up on his chest, covering his heart, Eggsy could safely say it was good for him as well.  


And with the very first thrust everything turned a blinding white, pleasure firing off in his body like one of the bloody machine guns they were taught how to use. And Harry seemed to be having the time of his life, driving Eggsy’s pleasure higher and higher, making sure to keep Eggsy near him, not letting him go just yet, not giving him quite nearly enough to reach orgasm.  


His hands wandered, lustfully slipping along every ridges of his chest and stomach, fingers turning into almost claws as they dragged down his sides and Harry kissed on the skin of his shoulders as if to gentle the slight bite of pain. And kept thrusting deeper, harder, the way Eggsy directed, with the soft, barely whispered words, half-muffled by the sheets he was holding onto for dear life as it went on and on.  


As if by accident, Harry’s fingertips brushed over the tip of Eggsy’s cock, collecting some of the pearly fluid on his fingers; Harry repeated it when Eggsy’s voice took on a different pitch, higher, more desperate and needy for release. It was the turning point and it seemed that Harry knew his younger lover could not take much longer as his hand wrapped up completely around him, stroking him in counterpoint with every thrust he made.  


It was enough to make Eggsy tense up, from the first touch of that hand, large and sporting gun calluses, a hand he wished more than everything to hold and he felt Harry rush them both to a massive orgasm, one that would leave them both limp and sated and wishing only to touch more of the other in the most gentle careful ways afterwards to indulge in intimacy without being rushed by their needs.  


Eggsy seemed to not be able to get enough air; his gasps and cries ragged and his moans almost breathless as Harry’s thrusts had gone erratic, none of the measure, strong rhythm of earlier and then he increased the speed of his hand as well until Eggsy gave a loud cry of his lover’s name and spilled all over his hand and chest, soiling the sheets as well.  


_Harry… ___  


Eggsy jolted from the bed, sheets thrown away as he sat up and sighed softly as he looked around, the sound of that cry still echoing in his head. There was something amiss in the moment and looking around, then down at his hands and body, stained with the proof of his lust, Eggsy understood.  


It had all been in his head, nothing more than a hallucination to soothe his own aching heart.  


He was alone.


End file.
